Monday, October 29, 2007

What have I learned?

I felt like I should spend a litte time talking about what I have been going through emotionally with this miscarriage. This discussion wont be overly postive and I hope not negative either. Just honest and real.

First of all, I had the D&C on Thursday and everything went great. I had no problems at all with the proceedure. It was relatively painless. I can tell that I am more tired than normal and have felt some pain in picking up Kaylen and carrying her around. (wouldnt you know that she has been all about me and wanting only me to hold her!)

Anyway, I have been reflecting a bit on all of this and here is what God has taught me: I am not invincible!!!! I know in my head that life is a gift and is so fragile but for whatever reason you think that means for everyone else that you know. Why is it that we always hear of hardships with getting pregnant, having a healthy pregnancy, having a healthy baby, and so on but we think... that is awful for that person, I truly hurt for them... but I am glad that having kids is easy for me! See, no one in my family (and my mom has 6 sisters) has really had that much trouble having kids. And as I think about it... maybe they have had their struggles. But until this, I didnt know about them and I just thought people in my family were immune (if you will) to strife of this kind. Dont get me wrong, we have our own issues but having babies wasnt one of them! Boy have I been humbled right out of my arrogance! There isnt anything that I am above. God promises us nothing. And He often times uses hardships to build character. I have so many friends that have gone through or are going through a hard time even conceiving. I hurt for them on a whole new level. Yes it hurts to lose a baby and you ask yourself so many questions, like did I let Kaylen jump on my belly too much? Was I too stressed to carry the baby? And so on... But the pain is instant and there is closure. I cant imagine going through hurt like this monthly. I have always prayed for these friends and ached for them to be blessed with a child. But now I have a bit of a glimpse of what they are feeling. Let me tell you... they are hurting. Some of them for years. Silently hurting. There is nothing we can personally do to ease their pain but love them and pray for them. Anytime you are dealing with new life or children, in general, there is such pain. Ache trying to conceive, worry that you wont be able to carry, and tons of fret that they will be healthy. I cant fathom (at all) what my friends who are pregnant and know there is a major issue with their baby are going through. Wow. I have no words. All I know is God must know their strength and think that it is incredible. Life is just extremely fragile and there is strife in every part of the process of becoming and being a parent. It doesnt end. God is really smart. He knows we need a constant reminder that we need Him every second. Because we are such an arrogant people, we need constant humbling. Bottomline: new life is a gift. a miracle. The fact that God has blessed me with it once is such an honor that I am eternally grateful for. I pray that I am able to have more but will praise God regardless.

One last thing... It is in times like these that I am reminded how blessed I truly am. It has been healing for me to talk about what I am going through and I have had so many good friends that have been so encouraging. I cant tell you how much you have meant to me. Just a few things that people have done: one dear friend came to my house and left food in it while I was in the hospital. Would you believe that at 10 pm when I got home, I was starving! It was amazing to have a warm meal sitting there waiting on me. A group of dear friends gave me a gift card to the spa!!!!!! How lucky am I? Then a group in my neighborhood got together and made me dinner on sat. night. I have gotten cards, flowers, and most importantly lots of encouraging words through email and phone calls. I know you have all been praying for me - I have felt it. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Please know that you have touched me and helped me through a difficult time. I hope I can be as good of a friend to each and every one of you as you have been to me. You have set the bar high! I am blessed.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

My Miscarriage

Most of you know that I am pregnant. And because of that I wanted to put this on my blog for everyone (mostly so I dont have to say it a million times).

I went in for my first ultrasound yesterday and the baby measured 9 weeks. The baby looked great except for the fact that there was no heartbeat and no bloodflow in the umbilical cord. The doctor said that the heart had to have just stoped beating for me to measure as big as I did and that after a baby passes the tissues swell a bit (accounts for the extra week in size). So, tomorrow (hopefully) I will go in for a DNC.

The biggest thing is that I dont want any of you to feel sad for me. God has been so good to me to bless me with a beautiful daughter. I feel certain that He will bless me again. Also, I have no clue what He is keeping me or my unborn from. I would hate to have to watch my child suffer a lifetime of a disability. I am thankful that I lost the baby so early on and dont have to go through this after an entire pregnancy. On top of all of that, when I do try to have a baby again I will be tenured and have my masters - SHEW! So no more classes and I can take a year off with my baby! We will also be settled in our new house and I dont have to worry about the dust and paint fumes! So I can totally see God at work and am grateful that he is allowing me to go through this now -instead of later!

One little way that God was preparing me for this: I called about a mothers day out program for Kaylen last week and as the lady was telling me about the program she had to call me back because her doctor's office calling and she needed to schedule a DNC because she had just miscarried. (Why she told me all of that - I dont know!) But then she called me back and she had such a peace about the whole thing and it was so encouraging to hear her speak. I know that God put her in my life last week to prepare me for this week. I am very blessed to be so loved and cared for.

I also have amazing friends and family - all of you. Thank you for being such a wonderful support system for me! I am truly thankful for each and every one of you. If you think about it, please say a prayer for me tomorrow as I go in for my DNC - I am a little scared because I have no idea what it will be like. I dont think it will be bad... it is just the unknown. Anyway, I love you all and hope that you have a wonderful weekend!

Monday, October 22, 2007

more disney, more kaylen

This is kaylen at the petting zoo that is in the Animal Kindgom. She really was interested in the billie goats! Notice how she is playing with his beard?!?!

This is where Kaylen was perched most of the trip. She could see for miles up there! And it was so cute how she held on to Allen's head the whole time. She would play with his hair.

Kaylen got her face painted one day... doesn't she look adorable?!?! She sat so still while they worked on her face. I was so proud of her!

Look how excited she is with Pooh? Man, does she ever love him! It was really fun to see her get so excited.

Okay, it doesnt get any cuter that this!!! She is about to explode with excitement! I love how her eyes are squeezed shut!!!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Some Pics...

It appears that my sweet video isnt showing up! I am so bad at figuring that out! Anyway, I am pretty good with the pics so here are a few... I have better ones on Jeff and Aline's camera that I will post later.

Disney Vacation

We had the best time in Disney! I never would have thought that Kaylen would have loved it as much as she did! She went crazy over all of the characters. I have uploaded a few videos of her meeting Pluto and Minnie. I must admit that her very favorite was the Pooh cast. She loved them!!! We had a blast and are very glad to be back home! I will post more pics later as I get a chance to do some editing.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

My New Haircut!

I know I look tired in this picture... I am tired! But I wanted to show you guys my new haircut! I will post about allen's 30th birthday party when I get a chance and next week there should be many Disney pics and stories.