Monday, October 29, 2007

What have I learned?

I felt like I should spend a litte time talking about what I have been going through emotionally with this miscarriage. This discussion wont be overly postive and I hope not negative either. Just honest and real.

First of all, I had the D&C on Thursday and everything went great. I had no problems at all with the proceedure. It was relatively painless. I can tell that I am more tired than normal and have felt some pain in picking up Kaylen and carrying her around. (wouldnt you know that she has been all about me and wanting only me to hold her!)

Anyway, I have been reflecting a bit on all of this and here is what God has taught me: I am not invincible!!!! I know in my head that life is a gift and is so fragile but for whatever reason you think that means for everyone else that you know. Why is it that we always hear of hardships with getting pregnant, having a healthy pregnancy, having a healthy baby, and so on but we think... that is awful for that person, I truly hurt for them... but I am glad that having kids is easy for me! See, no one in my family (and my mom has 6 sisters) has really had that much trouble having kids. And as I think about it... maybe they have had their struggles. But until this, I didnt know about them and I just thought people in my family were immune (if you will) to strife of this kind. Dont get me wrong, we have our own issues but having babies wasnt one of them! Boy have I been humbled right out of my arrogance! There isnt anything that I am above. God promises us nothing. And He often times uses hardships to build character. I have so many friends that have gone through or are going through a hard time even conceiving. I hurt for them on a whole new level. Yes it hurts to lose a baby and you ask yourself so many questions, like did I let Kaylen jump on my belly too much? Was I too stressed to carry the baby? And so on... But the pain is instant and there is closure. I cant imagine going through hurt like this monthly. I have always prayed for these friends and ached for them to be blessed with a child. But now I have a bit of a glimpse of what they are feeling. Let me tell you... they are hurting. Some of them for years. Silently hurting. There is nothing we can personally do to ease their pain but love them and pray for them. Anytime you are dealing with new life or children, in general, there is such pain. Ache trying to conceive, worry that you wont be able to carry, and tons of fret that they will be healthy. I cant fathom (at all) what my friends who are pregnant and know there is a major issue with their baby are going through. Wow. I have no words. All I know is God must know their strength and think that it is incredible. Life is just extremely fragile and there is strife in every part of the process of becoming and being a parent. It doesnt end. God is really smart. He knows we need a constant reminder that we need Him every second. Because we are such an arrogant people, we need constant humbling. Bottomline: new life is a gift. a miracle. The fact that God has blessed me with it once is such an honor that I am eternally grateful for. I pray that I am able to have more but will praise God regardless.

One last thing... It is in times like these that I am reminded how blessed I truly am. It has been healing for me to talk about what I am going through and I have had so many good friends that have been so encouraging. I cant tell you how much you have meant to me. Just a few things that people have done: one dear friend came to my house and left food in it while I was in the hospital. Would you believe that at 10 pm when I got home, I was starving! It was amazing to have a warm meal sitting there waiting on me. A group of dear friends gave me a gift card to the spa!!!!!! How lucky am I? Then a group in my neighborhood got together and made me dinner on sat. night. I have gotten cards, flowers, and most importantly lots of encouraging words through email and phone calls. I know you have all been praying for me - I have felt it. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Please know that you have touched me and helped me through a difficult time. I hope I can be as good of a friend to each and every one of you as you have been to me. You have set the bar high! I am blessed.


Jill W. said...

Hi Dawn,

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been through many infertility issues/treatments and disappointments the past 2 years and know that it was all God who blessed Nick and I with this pregnancy (I'm 20 weeks now) This is after the doctors pretty much said I would have to go to the really expensive treatments and that nothing was working. I understand the hurt you are going through and the "why me's" and "what ifs" but I know God has His timing and once I accepted that, it seemed like everything fell into place. Trust in Him, he has a plan for you and your family. Please let me know if you need anything, I am here for you.

Ashley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ashley t-bull said...

Dawn - what great insight you have had through this experience. It is very true what you said - we are an arrogant people to believe that we can control such aspects of our lives. To think that we can do anything without God is ridiculous. Every breath, every need, every step - it's from Him. It's also true that we never know what someone is going through - never know the difficulty that some endure in order to be a parent. Parenthood is such a blessing and should be treated as so, not looked down upon!

In all these difficulties & periods of waiting, all we can do is continue to pray for God to transform us and refine us (remember, "fire" refines the metal) so we come out as a people more conformed to His image. Do not squander this time - be transformed by it (as I do as well)!

All this also reminds me that I want to always be mindful of what I say and do so as to encourage others in their reliance on God during hard times! So glad that you have been encouraged during all this!

Shannon said...

Dawn, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. I am so sorry that you and your family have had to go through this, but your response is so inspiring. Take care of yourself and know you're in my thoughts!
With love - Shannon Miller

Anonymous said...

That was a very sincere, heartfelt entry & I am glad that you chose to share your feelings. You have shown a lot of character & have impacted many people with your faith & hope throughout this season in your life. You are a dear friend & God definitely has you in his hands!
Love ya,